The Quest of The Fate of The Grand Order of The Weebs: The Beginnings of The End (Normie edition)

Cute looking feminine characters with functional dicks trigger identity crisis among the teenage male demographics.

Huzzah! Adventure calls!

Long long time ago, I have departed from the land of the Weebs. Stacks after stacks of invaluable Manga comics, my wallet was beaten like a sack of useless meat only until recently. The Japanese culture hath attracted me no longer and I have found peace once more among the realms of Normies. But alas, a man’s past can never be fully forgotten nor escaped. “Fate” has led a certain Wine to a tasting and the well-aged Gachapon scheme themed game simply never fails to attract the Yaoi-lovers through the allure of pretty, pretty muscular men in blazing hot and exotic homoerotic relationships. Consequently, It is my responsibility to study the way of the “Wine” in order to understand and fend off any attempts to convert me into an IRL version of an anime twink.

Mash “Shielder” Potato is no more than a facade for pure corporate capitalistic gains via massive impulse abuse and cute anime grills. #STAYWOKE

“Fou kyo”, cried an animal noise resembling a Chinese grandpa attempting to insult foreigners on the streets.

Our heroine, one kawaii Miss Retardo woke up in the brightly lit hallway of Chlamydiae, an international organization who pledges to protect the world and its timelines from the ancient magical powers by encouraging anime themed gambling. The protagonist is a newly recruited cadet of said org and she is supposed to be sleeping in her own quarter (and not on the floor,) according to an employee named Mash, a shy pink-haired lady who really needs to learn how to use a hairpin. Along with her trusty unidentified squirrel thing, she introduced us to the place and people. After some really long text-based storytelling and a waterfall of pure world-building content, the Earth was then literally engulfed in flames and every competent personnel in the facility died immediately in an explosion. The plot machine suddenly placed the main cast in the spotlight of the show or to be exact, a hellish version of the peaceful Japanese town of Fuyuki. A naggy director person, a completely noob-ass master, and this employee girl who got crushed by a huge rock and got turned into a magical servant with a big-ass shield have to work together as a team to fend off the sp00ky skellet men. In reality, everyone hides behind Mash’s shield and just do some backseat fighting, using texts with extra exclamation points. Soon enough, Mashu realized that this was a tutorial mission the entire time and proceeded to full aggro upon the weaklings until they all die horribly of bone hurtness. Who was behind such a grandiose act of terror? What will happen to the rest of human civilization? How will our heroines save the day? I don’t know, I skipped some texts and the head director of Chlamydiae somehow got thrown into a giant fireball. Press F to pay respecto por favor, muchas gracias. Long story short, we’re now in Medieval France and an edgy Jeanne d’ Arc is committing pre-industrial era holocaust, using legit dragons.

The upside of Fate: Grand Order is how it encourages interest in historical figures by turning King Arthur into an anime grill and dressing her up in skimpy clothing. Curb your educational policies, governments of the world!

Its like a turn-based game but with random action cards to further push the sinful gambling theme further back into your Gachapon-induced brains.

So there’s the juicy character stats. Offensive ability, defensive ability, support ability and all that fiasco however, you gotta use these randomly dealt cards to do stuff like stabbing and mashing the baddies. There are three types of cards: Arts, Quick, and Buster but no one actually cares about that. Treat it like a mini-game and try tapping the screen with just the tip of your nose to get all the cards. Great fun! By now the servants (btw another version of Jeanne d’arc joined your party and noone knows why) should already be doing massacre level work on the monsters and achieve the awesome ULTIMATE move namely, the “Noble Phantasm.” Each and every servant get this ability to press Q and win (except Mash because noone likes a giant shield camper coward!) Because it is known that the noble spirits of ancient times used to casually call random shit out of some crazy dimensional door pickle Rick style to battle with their enemies. I’ve witnessed the anime spirit of King Arthur on super bike, literally ripping irrelevant monsters to shreds with laser machine guns and the only logic applicable then was that the developer team is into hard drugs and cheap hallucinogens.

The big shiny Moon rune characters read, “never forget that you are here forever.” A reminder to all those who dare to think twice before rolling another gacha.
“Learning with Manga! FGO” is a short comic series that most accurately depict the Fate Grand Order player base. Despite the satirical look, it is inspired by the researched psychological deterioration of a “gacha-addict.” Truly an r/FunnyAndSad worthy material.

Beans juice enthusiast and feline management expert. Currently in Bangkok, Thailand. My opinions are my own.