Feb 7, 2018
The Quest of The Fate of The Grand Order of The Weebs: The Beginnings of The End (Normie edition)
Huzzah! Adventure calls!
Long long time ago, I have departed from the land of the Weebs. Stacks after stacks of invaluable Manga comics, my wallet was beaten like a sack of useless meat only until recently. The Japanese culture hath attracted me no longer and I have found peace once more among the realms of Normies. But alas, a man’s past can never be fully forgotten nor escaped. “Fate” has led a certain Wine to a tasting and the well-aged Gachapon scheme themed game simply never fails to attract the Yaoi-lovers through the allure of pretty, pretty muscular men in blazing hot and exotic homoerotic relationships. Consequently, It is my responsibility to study the way of the “Wine” in order to understand and fend off any attempts to convert me into an IRL version of an anime twink.
And so today I shall venture unto the unknown sector of the Weeb-world called “Fate: Grand Order.” To my knowledge, the popular-ish mobile game features famous historical and fictional figures who are brought (back) into existence to serve as fighting slaves in exchange for a free sex-change package with boob jobs and the such. Considering how many ‘servants’ are available in the game, the offer was actually great. While some of the servants are undoubtedly ‘male’, it is debatable whether the deal went bad for them or that they are literally mentally insane to decline such an amazing offer. Some of those who were unfortunate enough to be enslaved purely for sick entertainment are, the fabled King Arthur, Legendary wizard Merlin, fiery Roman Emperor Nero, Japanese general Oda Nobunaga, and many more. Unfortunately, for people who had hoped for Adolf Hitler to either suffer eternal torment or become a Tsundere fascistic yet very cute anime girl, he/she is not in this game. Some might believe that the reason behind was to avoid controversy and some may believe that the developers are secretly Neo-Nazis who see Hitler-sama as a figure of worship, positioned well above any dirty waifu-bait free-to-play game. The theories could go on and on. Finally, now that we could grasp the long slippery shaft that is the core concept of Fate:GO, I shall take a blind suicidal dive into the game. But of course, only right after wrestling the illegal online immigration application called, QooApp into submission first.
“Fou kyo”, cried an animal noise resembling a Chinese grandpa attempting to insult foreigners on the streets.
Our heroine, one kawaii Miss Retardo woke up in the brightly lit hallway of Chlamydiae, an international organization who pledges to protect the world and its timelines from the ancient magical powers by encouraging anime themed gambling. The protagonist is a newly recruited cadet of said org and she is supposed to be sleeping in her own quarter (and not on the floor,) according to an employee named Mash, a shy pink-haired lady who really needs to learn how to use a hairpin. Along with her trusty unidentified squirrel thing, she introduced us to the place and people. After some really long text-based storytelling and a waterfall of pure world-building content, the Earth was then literally engulfed in flames and every competent personnel in the facility died immediately in an explosion. The plot machine suddenly placed the main cast in the spotlight of the show or to be exact, a hellish version of the peaceful Japanese town of Fuyuki. A naggy director person, a completely noob-ass master, and this employee girl who got crushed by a huge rock and got turned into a magical servant with a big-ass shield have to work together as a team to fend off the sp00ky skellet men. In reality, everyone hides behind Mash’s shield and just do some backseat fighting, using texts with extra exclamation points. Soon enough, Mashu realized that this was a tutorial mission the entire time and proceeded to full aggro upon the weaklings until they all die horribly of bone hurtness. Who was behind such a grandiose act of terror? What will happen to the rest of human civilization? How will our heroines save the day? I don’t know, I skipped some texts and the head director of Chlamydiae somehow got thrown into a giant fireball. Press F to pay respecto por favor, muchas gracias. Long story short, we’re now in Medieval France and an edgy Jeanne d’ Arc is committing pre-industrial era holocaust, using legit dragons.
Its like a turn-based game but with random action cards to further push the sinful gambling theme further back into your Gachapon-induced brains.
So there’s the juicy character stats. Offensive ability, defensive ability, support ability and all that fiasco however, you gotta use these randomly dealt cards to do stuff like stabbing and mashing the baddies. There are three types of cards: Arts, Quick, and Buster but no one actually cares about that. Treat it like a mini-game and try tapping the screen with just the tip of your nose to get all the cards. Great fun! By now the servants (btw another version of Jeanne d’arc joined your party and noone knows why) should already be doing massacre level work on the monsters and achieve the awesome ULTIMATE move namely, the “Noble Phantasm.” Each and every servant get this ability to press Q and win (except Mash because noone likes a giant shield camper coward!) Because it is known that the noble spirits of ancient times used to casually call random shit out of some crazy dimensional door pickle Rick style to battle with their enemies. I’ve witnessed the anime spirit of King Arthur on super bike, literally ripping irrelevant monsters to shreds with laser machine guns and the only logic applicable then was that the developer team is into hard drugs and cheap hallucinogens.
Now does my opinion matter when the game I’m reviewing has already taken over most of mankind and is generating energy out of pure weeaboo mind gush? No, it doesn’t. But regardless, the complexity of ability builts, item categories, classes and counters amazes me. Combine that with rare waifus, endless events, the digital gacha purgatory and you’ve got yourself an unstoppable time terminator.
All in all, I could meme on forever about Fate Grand Order because the game itself is already a meme. Although I couldn’t possibly bring myself to tapping away my precious God’s given time on this Earth just to virtually own cute pictures, it is awfully entertaining to see the community grow and enjoy their own torment in the meanwhile. In the end, the boulder will always roll down hill only to be pushed back up the top again but with artworks, memes, in-jokes, music, the fans are clearly too busy having fun to feel any pain about their collapsing financial situations. And maybe, just maybe, it was worth it after all.